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Post By Manga Shoggoth Sat May 14, 2005 at 05:49:20 pm EDT |
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"Let Slip the Bunnies of War" - a short bout of film avoidance by the Manga Shoggoth | |
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A Serving of sillyness written by Manga Shoggoth whilst Xander, HH and various wives are upstairs watching Van Helsing.
If it wasn't for boredom at work and these video weekends, I wouldn't get nearly as much writing done.
Many thanks to Sally for the loan of her computer and kitchen.
Towards the centre of the galaxy, far from the bubble known to its inhabitants as "known space", lies a small, unregarded solar system. Lost in the brightness of its surrounding stars, it has existed on its own, fought its own minor wars and generally developed in the manner of most species; each entity trying to make a name for themselves.
After untold ages, they have finally reached space, and have sent out a mighty warship to bring the universe under their rule.
Our launch was successful. Chief Engineer reports that the new drive is ready to be engaged, and we will be leaving our solar system in a few hours. Ship's Telepath assures me that the crew are all in good spirits, although she is not sure what Chief Computer Operator is on.
I am assured that the Mah-tee-nai drive - if the scientific mumbo-jumbo works - will catapult us in a carefully controlled trajectory across time and space, allowing us to offset the time our journey takes against the curve in the space-time continuum to take us to any place we desire. I hope it works. The Engineer who designed it gained his name on the strength of it, although I note that the little coward has not joined us on our mission.
Our Mission is to see what is out here, conquer it, and then return. If all goes well, I might even gain a name out of it.
I have asked Chief Maintenance to check the galley equipment as the water tastes a little funny. Probably something that needs flushing out - it is new pipework, after all.
The Mah-tee-nai drive engaged successfully. According to the theory (as I understand it, at least) we are now located in interstitial space (no time and nowhere). In a few days, the accumulated time will cause us to flip and we shall be at our destination. The computers should control the process perfectly, although I am not completely assured about this as I do not seem to be able to understand any reports made by Chief Computer Operator.
The strange taste in the water appears to be isolated to this section of the ship, specifically my quarters and the Chief Computer Operator's quarters.
There also seems to be something wrong with the intercom as I am sure I can hear whispering during the night.
I have ripped the intercom out of the wall in my quarters as the whispering is keeping me from sleeping. My water still tastes funny. I am sure that one of the crew members is following me around, but he keeps ducking out of sight. Nobody admits to having seen him. They are all whispering behind my back. I can hear them...
The whispering is getting worse. I have started carrying a knife around for protection. They won't get me without a fight.
The whispering has stopped. It turns out that our dear Chief Computer Operator is an infusion addict, and one of his bags of leaves had been introduced into the plumbing. After his interrogation Ship's Telepath assures me that it was an accident and that he only meant to direct the infusion into his own water supply.
She also informs me that he was not stoned when he was giving me his reports. I do not know if I am reassured or not.
Bloody addicts.
My intercom has been repaired, and we are now preparing for re-entry into normal space.
Our first attempt at locating an alien civilisation was a bit of a false start.
True, we found a planet, and scanners indicated a high level of life. It also indicated that the planet was pink, and was following an orbit around its sun (also pink) in a highly irregular manner. Chief Astronomer/Navigator is currently in the sick bay under heavy sedation.
The planet was covered in grass (pink), oceans (also pink) and populated by small furry mammals with long ears (also pink). When I say pink, I mean the ears. The creature itself appears to be white - I wonder how they survive as any predator will see them immediately. Ship's Telepath has taken a few for samples.
There also appears to be faint patches of mist that drift across the grass. Ship's Telepath is convinced that they are some form of creature. I am convinced that she has been at the Chief Computer Operator's infusion bags. Where he gets them from I have no idea as we threw his supply out of the airlock on day 6.
Ship's Telepath has started to develop a rather idiosyncratic speech pattern. Chief Medical Officer is of the opinion that it is a simple matter of stress, and that I should not worry unduly. He also informs me that she shows no signs of being an Infusion user.
This is a relief. The last thing I need on this ship is an insane telepath.
We are currently in interstitial space. The creatures that Ships Telepath picked up have been breeding like.. well... creatures that breed very quickly. Ship's Telepath refers to them as "bunnies", and says that they are "cute".
They are certainly voracious, as they are eating their way through the vegetative supplies like there is no (day + 1). I have ordered Chief Security to make preparations to cull their number.
Ship's Telepath has locked herself in her room and is calling me "Uncute Ship's Captaining", whatever that means.
The Ship's Telepath's Bunnies managed to break into the hydroponic gardens and started eating everything in sight. This includes the three plants that Chief Computer Operator managed to sneak in to grow leaves for his infusions. The bunnies do not appear to have been affected by this, although the Chief Computer Operator has spent the last two hours screaming.
As a result of this, I have declared an amnesty on the bunnies, as such sterling service should be rewarded. When I informed Ship's Telepath of this she tackled me and knocked me to the ground, keeping me pinned for quite some time, all the while referring to me as "Cute Ship's Captaining". This is clear insubordination. On the other hand, Ship's telepath is quite attractive, so I have decided to forgo any official action.
I will, however, informally reprimand her later. Privately.
Talk about lucky.
A fault in the Mah-tee-nai drive dumped us into normal space for a week. Whilst the crew was engaged in repairs we started to receive audio-visual transmissions.
We have been picking up faint electromagnetic signals throughout the voyage. Attempts have been made to translate or trace them, but to no avail.
The signal we are now receiving apparently decoded itself when our receivers detected it. Chief Science Officer is not sure how it managed to do this, and has now replaced Chief Astronomer/Navigator in the sedation unit.
It appears to be some form of entertainment called "The Transworld Challenge". It is clearly an overdone plot of gigantic spaceships and overcooked heroes. I have seen better on the children's channel at home. It has, however, been quite entertaining for what it is.
Unfortunately, repairs have been completed before the end of the transmission. Pity. I would have liked to see the ending.
Our next jump will take us to the approximate spatial location of the transmission.
We have arrived at what Chief Astronomer/Navigator assures me is the exact location for the source of the transmission.
There is nothing here.
Well, I say nothing. There us a huge energy flux - thank the Deities that we have to have shields raised when we use the Mah-tee-nai drive - and sufficient wreckage to indicate that there was a massive installation here.
I asked Chief Science Officer what could have caused such a disaster. A bad move as he is now back in the sick bay under sedation.
Faint traces of electromagnetic signals have been detected that appear to be coming from the outer fringes of the galaxy. Our next jump will take us to the vicinity of those transmissions.
We have just had a nasty shock. We came out of interstitial space in the middle of a real fleet that looked like it could have fallen out of that "Transworld Challenge" story. The fleet consisted of a number of different sizes of ship, the smallest obviously being designed for single-person occupancy, the largest dwarfing even our ship.
Fortunately, they didn't notice us.
We managed to decode some of the signals being transmitted, but I am not sure that the colour decoding is correct - most of the creatures (mammalian and reptilian) had a distinct greenish cast overlaid in the signal. From what we could make out, they were an invasion fleet returning from an unsuccessful mission. The translating computer was obviously programmed by Chief Computer Operator before the Bunnies got to his infusion plants, as it can only translate the name of the fleet's target as "soil".
The whole crew with the exception of myself and Ship's Telepath are currently in sick bay under sedation. I have requisitioned clean uniforms across the ship. I have also invited Ship's Telepath to dinner in my quarters as the Galley is currently out of action due to lack of staff.
Having located the planet the invasion fleet was leaving, I have decided on a covert spying mission. Accordingly, we have set course for the said planet.
We were passed by a small one or two creature ship that was manoeuvring like it was being driven by an infusion addict. The transmissions from this ship were easier to decode (Chief Science Officer claims that the protocols used were much more logical). The pilot was either some form of insectoid or some tentacled monstrosity. The translation computers had some difficulty with the translation, but one of the creatures was apparently swearing off something called "fermented coconut juice".
There are some signs of unrest amongst the crew, who are understandably feeling a little outnumbered at the moment.
[In distant {in more ways than one} Lemuria, two twins were explaining to Ebony what had happened to the Fermented Coconut Juice they had made. After all, than nice insect creature had liked Kathrine's, and there was none left for his journey home...]
We have had a very lucky escape.
I led a party consisting of Chief Science Officer, Ship's Telepath and myself down to the planet's surface. We managed to infiltrate some sort of gathering of the planet's technical minds (something called Weird Sky Con, which means nothing to me). I say infiltrate, but the creatures attending this meeting were so bizarrely dressed that we could have danced naked through the place and nobody would have noticed.
Well, I expect Ship's Telepath would have been noticed - she seemed to attract a great deal of attention from the males in the gathering; especially one in gaudy green and yellow fatigues. She seemed to spend most of her time conversing (at different times, of course) with a male or female wearing matched black costumes with a strip of material across the eyes.
Chief Science Officer was taken ill after drinking one of the brown liquids being served (there were three varieties, one semi-transparent and bubbling, was served cold, the other two were served hot). We took samples for later analysis, and beat a hasty retreat.
We were just in time. Space does not allow me to record what was happening to the meeting as we left, but Ship's Telepath required a great deal of comforting afterwards.
On the plus side, we did manage to snag a great deal of data about the universe from various sources. These people have some form of webbing that holds a great deal of data.
Supplemental: Chief Medical Officer informs me that Chief Science Officer is recovering. It appears that the brown drinks have a vast overdose of the Infusion drug in them. No wonder that battle fleet was in retreat: I do not want to think what the soldiers of a race that drinks those levels of the Infusion drug would be like.
We have spent the last few weeks accessing and decoding data from this planet. It is depressing to say the least. Over breakfast (in bed - rank has its privileges) Ship's Telepath informs me that most of the crew are badly depressed by what they have seen, and just want to go home.
On the other hand, we cannot go back without some form of conquest under our belts.
Sometimes I wish that I had listened to what Maternal Relation had said when I was little.
I have announced my decision to the crew. I have picked a planet to invade, and the choice seems to be quite popular. Morale seems to be up again, and the crew is almost as motivated as when we stated our mission.
There's no place like home...
Notes for the terminally confused:
There are a number of passing references to places and events in the Lair Legion Year One; Transworld Challenge; Tenth Caphan and (current) EEE storylines by the Hooded Hood.
The “twins” are a pair of girls in Lemuria whose (lack of) cooking skills are legendary.
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